If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it