Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
haha same
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
felt that
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
You sure about that?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote