Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*