I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I ate everything, including the H.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”