They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector