Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
How wrong was this guy?