Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
the saddest jazz hands ever
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?