Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”