How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Eat…
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text