4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.