Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I have a new favorite meme page
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk