Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends