my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.