[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
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Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut