I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
🍞🦆
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.