Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
This came to me in a dream.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword