*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
That’s classic.