Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to