Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.