“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.