What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
im 7 sauces long
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.