Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
🤣🤣
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
so i’m at the stock market right
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy