It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You Might Also Like
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Worst Native American name ever.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me