90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories