Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
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MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.