him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Skills
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.