I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.