A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: