for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
This is me 🤣🤣
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Ugh but profoundly
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do