peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
S/o to @funTweeters .
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN