Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
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Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*