Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I hope this email finds you in a well
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired