Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let鈥檚 go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where鈥檚 mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
It鈥檚 like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Friday night party time 馃コ
Swing states aren鈥檛 as much fun as they sound.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant鈥檚 face.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye鈥檚 snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*