First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
how it started vs how it ended
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Yeah. This was me today.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds