[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Monday
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My Sentiments Exactly
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.