My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
58.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.