Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.