Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
😂🤣😂🤣
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Denise please return my vape pen
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.