I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen