[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
yeah no that’s fair
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Who’s your best friend?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.