All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute