Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
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What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?