“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers