Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.