A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.