My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.