At least try to make it slightly believable
You Might Also Like
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.