I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My dog ate my work from home.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*