Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
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Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Girl, same.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
who will stop them
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
OH. COME. ON.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.