Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Godspeed, John Glenn
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Challenge accepted.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do